“I am not leaving here without mom’s wedding ring!” and “He promised to give ME that” are battle cries as clear as any ever shouted in war. This is where the battle lines following mom’s or dad’s death are drawn.

I’ve settled the affairs of over 2,500 decedents, and I’ve been involved in scores of family fights about the distribution of the personal belongings of the recently departed. I have found this event –the argument over material belongings— to be the spark that ignites an explosion among family members.

But it doesn’t need to be this way.

The disposition of personal property (furniture, antiques, heirlooms, jewelry and such) begins very early in the administration process; possibly within the first few weeks of the death of the family member. If the decedent did not provide an estate plan including a clear path for distribution, the proverbial fuse has been lit. Emotions are running very high and it can be difficult to think rationally. Memories attached to the decedent and his or her things are at the forefront of the survivors’ minds. Sibling rivalry and unresolved issues among family members can quickly bubble to the surface despite time and distance and can manifest into explosive arguments over a piece of furniture or a tea set. Deciding how to divide these memory-laden items (which are all one-of-a-kind, due to sentimental value) is a sensitive matter. In my experience, 75% of all family feuds begin during the division of the decedent’s personal property; the “things” that remain.

It all begins so innocently. I recall one family that gathered after grandma’s death to divide up a large, but not particularly valuable Coca Cola memorabilia collection. Five nieces and nephews were pitted against each other. Claims were laid and old hurts were recalled. After about an hour of declarations and ridiculous statements, I stepped in and said they were all going to play NFL draft and draw lots to choose draft order. So the niece or nephew drawing number 1 would go first in each round, and the one drawing 2 would go second, and so on. Rounds would continue until the entire collection was chosen or until no one wanted anything else. Whatever each niece and nephew chose would be charged to their share of the estate. Four hours later the “draft” was over, and no one was talking to anyone else and to the best of my knowledge that is true to this day. So senseless to give up a relationship with someone over a six ounce coke bottle!

Indiana law provides a clear path to dividing property without declaring war and without color coded stickers or tags attached to furniture.

In the estate plan process, a memorandum, or list, created by the decedent and incorporated into the Last Will and Testament, can provide a clear (and peaceful) guide for who gets what. Sometimes, notes explaining the bequest provide the “why” as well. The memorandum can be changed over time, even after the execution of the Will.

I think it’s safe to assume that most of us would not intentionally start a war among our family members. Creating an estate plan that clearly sets forth your intentions is one of the best gifts you can give your family after you are gone.